I came, I saw, I regretted; immediately.

Fire in the mountain, run run run

Fire in the mountain, run run run

These noises once made me happy, I was a part of these noises once. While I walk through the same road now, it gives me chills. The familiarity of it all and the way I was forced to suddenly not be a part of it anymore; to suddenly call another place as my home, and another couple as my parents.

I calmed my mind to remind myself that I would be happy to go back home. Even if it is after a break of around 2 years. After this span, I was going to see them and hug them and probably ask them.. what took you so long to realise that you wanted me? I had a list of other questions as well as a list of things to do and have a happy family once again.

With the first glance at the bunch of people that had gathered, I realised this day is going to be nothing like I had imagined. I thought it would feel like a king embracing his kingdom yet again and it did for a while; till I realised it isn’t like the movies.

Photo by Rodion Kutsaev on Unsplash

It isn’t easy going back to what you once called your comfort place, I realised. The space I once occupied as well as dominated no longer existed. I had entered a very different world. Did people who loved me, love me still? Or did they only have to, out of duty? Many such questions stormed my little mind while I took everything in. Logically speaking, they had all gathered to take a decision and I just was a spectator. But while they talked the big talks, I could see my future rebuilding. Like starting a journey on one road, being forced to rush to another, to going back to the previous one all over again. Logically speaking, I should have been comfortable enough going back to the old and familiar. But while they discussed the cosiness and ease, I struggled to choose which one should I call familiar. I was stuck.

I think I saw my thoughts reflect on some more faces.

The same doubts, the same questions, the same dilemma. Though I failed to understand how they can have a conflict similar to mine! They were elders, the decision makers. How can they be as clueless as a little one like me?

I had to stay with them now. Was it not their own decision? What were these people here for? I dared to look at the eyes which had held love for me for the longest time. Those eyes were most regret and least love now. The idea of reliving with them again , just like nothing had happened bothered them too.

When my parents went their own ways, I accepted and made up my mind to live responsibly with the nice neighbours who took me in when no one else did. Of course, they weren’t exactly like my parents and I wasn’t exactly like their own son to them but they loved me enough and I was happy. After hearing about my parents wanting to have a family again, I was thrilled to say the least. I was too little to hold the emotion of anger in me. However, here I was, not knowing whether this reentry into my previous life was what I wanted.

Did that matter really though? Nobody had asked me then and nobody asked me now.

Mine was a paradise lost.

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Here I am trying to put my thoughts into words and aesthetics.

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